I found myself there again this morning. Staring into the face of my girl as her eyes filled with tears, after numerous verbal exchanges debating the pros and cons of going into the school. “I no go school!” “I stay with mommy!” she said. “I have my work to do and you have your work to do and we’ll meet up to talk about it at 3pm!’ I said. She explained that she wanted to come with me to my work, I explained that she couldn’t come with me to my work. I espoused the joys of all the activities she loves to partake in at school, she was having almost none of it. Eventually we got to the place we always get to, where something is sparked in her that gets her moving in the right direction, and I turn around and head where I need to go. On each occasion what it takes is spending some time honouring her feelings, giving her space to have the feelings. Every time it is a reminder to me that I need this space too.
Back in that first winter of the pandemic the battles were bigger and more fraught with emotion, so we have come a long way. There was a morning I will never forget that came after weeks of build-up where she shouted at me “I NOT OKAY!” and I stopped, stunned. As with every morning I was deep in my head, frustrated and strategizing. Worrying about the time, the schedule, the need to keep moving her along, the importance of not being late, the annoyance at having to take the car again because we didn’t have time to walk. Thinking, thinking, thinking about everything that needed to happen NOW and how little control I was maintaining over that imperative. Because of her feelings. Hearing those three words brought it all into focus. She was not okay, and couldn’t understand why I kept insisting that she needed to be. Insisting that she keep the schedule, keep things humming along as per usual despite these big feelings. Here was my moment to learn this lesson again, if I was brave enough to take it.
When did you last let your feelings take you away from what had to be done? Do you ever dare? If you don’t, do you have a space in your day when you allow the feelings to come? This is a particularly precarious time to enter into feelings. There are boundless paths one can take to sadness just by opening up any social media app, web browser or old fashioned newspaper (if that’s your thing). The other day I found myself stumbling upon heartbreak after heartbreak, tears welling up and needing a place to go only to be told by my brain “Not now, it’s time to get C up and get her ready for school.” And so that’s what I did. I feel like this is a really dangerous time for those of us who aren’t making time to feel what needs to be felt. Doing more isn’t going to help it, ‘pushing through’ is not going to help it, sticking to the schedule to keep things ‘normal’ isn’t going to help it. Pausing and feeling is required. Acknowledging that none of this is okay, and not being okay with any of it is exactly right. The way she does this is exactly right.
I’m learning to calibrate alongside her. She starts to feel nervous and resistant, I remind her that she can manage her nervousness and what the steps are to do so. She repeats her thoughts and feelings, I repeat my support of the thoughts and feelings. She shifts gears to insisting she isn’t going into school, I start talking about what she likes about school. She tears up, I recognize that’s not what she needed. I tell her I can see that she’s upset. The tears don’t fall after all. The feelings are seen, given space. I tell her she can do this, she can go ahead and walk into that school and that her feelings might change when she does so. “I mad’ she says. “I can see that you’re mad, and that’s okay. Later you will be singing and dancing and find yourself feeling happy again.” I tell her. I tell myself. She goes into the school, and I take my lessons home, tucked away in my head and my heart until they inevitably fade and are learned again.
