Enough

Every morning, as part of my stretch and meditation routine, I repeat what I call my ‘enough mantra’. Twist to one side, while thinking ‘I have enough’. Twist to the other side, ‘I do enough’. Back to the right side, ‘I know enough’. And finally to the left again, ‘I am enough’. I do this because I am trying to remember, over and over again, this truth. This truth that has not been spoken to any of us over our lives in the way that not enough-ness has. After many years practicing in this way, I sometimes catch myself embodying ‘enough’ with my thoughts and actions (or non-actions). Still, more often, I catch myself mired in the not enough-ness that is so much easier to default to.

The mantra that is hardest for me to believe is ‘I do enough’, in particular in my efforts to make sure that C ‘does enough’. As I write this, she is in hour two with the iPad. It is the only activity she does independently, with complete contentment. When I say she uses the iPad independently, this does not mean that she always sits quietly and still, staring at the screen, intently watching and tapping for hours on end. It does not mean that she is finding joy in ‘learning apps’. She is playing music and watching herself dance in the bathroom mirror. She is coming out to tell us what she is watching, or comment on what she has just seen and what it reminded her of. She is using the camera to capture herself in random moments, or film herself in what appears to be a music video that she is directing. She swipes and taps and talks and hops and plays music that accompanies her as she explores her beloved playmobil ‘guys’. And yes, quite often, she is watching favourite YouTube videos on repeat (with closed captioning, so that she might be getting some reading practice?).

Is this enough? Is it enough that this is her independent play? Or should we be aspiring to more? Or is it both? It is enough. And we aspire.

When typical is not your template for parenting, you are released from guidelines that apply to the vast majority. I ignore ‘screentime recommendations’, knowing that for us, we have to do what is right for us and not the majority. We are not the majority. C doesn’t have the option to sit and independently do a craft or read a book. Most of the time, she doesn’t want to do a puzzle or play a game. These are activities that require extensive intervention from a highly motivated, energetic and enthusiastic adult that is encouraging her and scaffolding her to participate. I can not be that adult to her all of the time. Am I that adult enough? No, and I aspire to be that adult more.

She has enough communication to connect with us, and we aspire for her to be better understood more often, by more people. It is enough that she can do what she can do with regards to self-care and other tasks, and we aspire for her to be able to do more, so that she can feel the sense of accomplishment and success that we all strive for in our lives. Whatever skills she has developed have taken more effort than the average child. They are hard won, and they are enough. Yet the aspiration is relentless.

It is not enough that her peer relationships are mostly contrived or obligated. We aspire to true friendship for her. It is not enough for her to just be present in her classroom, doing what she’s doing but not feeling a sense of contribution. We aspire to genuine inclusion and a feeling of belonging. There is a lot of not enough-ness in her life, and I aspire to rest my mind on what is enough more of the time, especially in times such as this, when my mind really needs this rest.

Which brings me to this difficult season, when the opportunities for more are truly small. The limited number of activities that C enjoys must be enough, because there are not more choices of endeavours to which we can aspire. The threshold of enough needs to shift, and aspirations need to be paused. On this rainy Sunday, it is enough that she gets to do what she likes, without the incessant demands of school days. For these last two weeks of school before Christmas break, it will be enough that she gets there every morning and is not spending yet another day languishing in and around our over-familiar home. It will be enough that the staff at her school are present and trying, despite how exhausted and depleted they are.

And I will continue my pursuit of finding enough-ness in the now, as it is what feeds the will to aspire for the future.