Yesterday I woke up, saw a beautiful sunrise and had a great feeling of hope. I walked my girl to school and then went to work and truly felt the privilege of getting to do a job I love helping some awesome kids and their families. The feeling of well-being and joy came up a lot for me yesterday and each time I made a conscious effort to take in the good. I stayed in the moment when I watched C climb a ladder at the playground with a confidence I hadn’t seen before. I soaked up that feeling of pride and admiration for a girl who keeps trying, despite her challenges. I danced in my kitchen while some great music played and enjoyed the process of getting dinner ready. I got down on the floor and sat awestruck at how good I was feeling while I just stayed focused on my girl and how happy she was that I was down there playing with her for a few moments.
Occasionally I checked out what was happening with the election. But it didn’t feel right. Somehow my spirit knew that I would need these moments of taking in joy, well-being and hopefulness more than I needed to be up-to-date on a situation that I had no control over.
I went to bed last night with a tinge of hope still flickering. I woke up and managed to get through my meditation and stretch before checking the news and having all my hopes dashed.
C was up and at it pretty early today – perhaps she had a sense I would need the distraction she readily provides. When I took a moment to glance at my phone, when the music on CBC stopped and the announcer started her commentating, when I was about to delve into the reality of WTF, every single time C started up with an urgent something that she had to say, or a cry, something, anything, that demanded my attention be turned away from what I thought I really needed to know about. From what was important about today. As if saying…that’s not what’s important. Pay attention to me – I’m what’s worthy of your attention.
This is one of the paradoxes of parenthood. Just doing the job from day to day can easily take your attention away from the issues that may most affect your child’s future. It is hard to put together coherent thoughts about the state of the world when you have a child yelling ‘Mommy come!!’ repeatedly until you finally switch your focus.
When I finally had her in the school line-up and was able to step back and take a look at the other faces of both children and adults, I had to work really hard to stop myself from crying. When I finally had a moment where she was otherwise occupied and I could be too, it really hit me hard.
I got in my car and I started writing this out, and now that I’m almost done writing it out I want to go back to yesterday. I think that’s my job in these upcoming days, weeks, and (shudder) years. Spend as much time as possible creating and seeking those moments of yesterday that fuelled me and kept my anxiety at bay. It’s the only way to cope with what is out of my hands.
